The Weird Space Between
Last week, I started my first Jewish conversion class over zoom.
There was no opening prayer, or assumption that our perceptions about G-d were the same. In Christianity, every meeting started with a prayer, every gathering asked for G-d’s presence. But as I stumble through pronouncing the Hebrew morning blessings and the bedtime Shema in my new Siddur, I find something comforting. I don’t have to search for a relationship to the G-d I’m praying to; it’s already there, written in blessings that have passed through the lips of Jewish souls for over 3,000 years.
Every morning I say a blessing thanking G-d for returning my soul to me, refreshed. And every night before I sleep I reflect on my conduct from the day, and think about what I can do better tomorrow. I forgive those who have offended me (I’m picturing the coughing woman in line ahead of me at the Post Office who was not wearing a mask…and there it is, forgiveness…) and I ask HaShem to forgive my own offenses.
I close my eyes, settling under the covers as a non-Christian, non-Jew. But for the first time in my life, my relationship with my Creator does not feel forced. It feels just right. I’m like the Goldilocks of Jewish converts. I have found my bed…it fits my soul perfectly. And though I’m not yet Jewish, I rest well. At last I’m living my truth.
I sleep sound and deep, not bothered by who might be watching me.